From my journal. . . .Mother’s Day 2013

DSCN5393

Lord,

I can’t help but think about my sweet mama a lot this week. Wow! Only You know how every thought is filled with her memory! It seems I can’t escape her presence. . ..although she’s not really here anymore.

Sometimes it still seems so unreal that she is now with You. . .but I’m glad she’s safe now and has found her joy again. But the ache of missing her buries deep within my bosom. My chest hurts with the pain of losing my best friend and mentor. The questions of her death run deep within my mind.

Most of my thoughts about mom are wonderful and sweet. She was absolutely the best mom in the world. Hands down. . .no comparison. . .super mom!

Every part of my life holds her imprint. She follows me around my house constantly!

In the kitchen, I smile when I make her rosemary rolls for the kids. . .they call them “Meme” rolls. I hold back buckets of tears as I thumb through her box of recipes. What a wonderful cook she taught me to be! She always fed our family with so much love and care.

I see her in the flowers as I look out my kitchen window. Springtime was her absolute favorite season! She could make any flower bloom and thrive!

I hear her voice singing as I listen to worship music while cooking supper. I think of her when I put on my apron for Sunday lunch. I hear her high heels clicking on the kitchen floor as she scurried around preparing lunch for us. As the coffee pot spits and spews, I think of how she cherished her morning and evening coffee. She got me hooked on specialty coffee creamers.

She’s everywhere. . .

As I help the kids pick out their clothes for the day or tuck them in bed, I see her. A special t-shirt she bought for Lynsey, the curtains and bed ruffle she made for Elliot and Elysabeth’s room, the picture that hangs by Lauryn’s bed, the Valentine’s Day card she sent to Evan. . .I can’t escape her precious memory.

Yes. . it’s so hard, Lord. I miss her incredibly much!

And then it’s bathtime for the kids. . .

“Mommy, you’re washing my hair just like Meme did. She always leaned me back under the faucet and scrubbed my head just like this. Can we use bath fizzies tonight, Mommy? Meme loved to buy us these.”

Oh, how the kids loved her. Meme hung the moon in their world!

Then I move to the living room. . .and she finds me there too! Sometimes I wish I could just escape her presence. . .but to no avail.

I see her rocking the babies and reading “Good Night, Moon” to Lynsey. As I scratch Evan’s back and rub his sore soccer legs, I find her there. Inhaling the aroma from her favorite candle as I wind down in the evenings brings sweet memories. Looking to the word “Blessed” that graces our mantle reminds me of how truly “blessed” I am! Oh, how she loved that piece of décor in her home. She surrounded the word with pictures of her sweet children and grandchildren. Mom knew she was blessed beyond measure!

It’s usually when I’m up early walking the back campus of the university, reading His love letter before the kids arouse from bed, washing dishes for the 10th time of the day, putting on makeup to cover the tired eyes, folding little shirts for the 5 kiddos God has graciously given me, or cooking zipper peas for supper. . .that’s when I think of her!

Lord, You know I loved her so deeply. I admired her deep joy in You. I longed to be the servant she was for Christ. I wanted to love people as she did. I thought she was the absolute best. . .at everything! Her life pointed me to Christ in every way!

It maddens me when I think of her death though. She made an awful choice that has left a pure sickening feeling deep within. It’s haunting. It’s terrifying. It’s unbelievable. The questions that come from such a choice cut deep scars that bleed in horrible ways. It seems so unfair to be thrust into this valley. . .one I did in no way choose to travel in!

But, You are graciously healing me and helping me choose Truth!

This was the very first journal entry I penned after Mom’s death in February 2013.  I spent the first 2 1/2 months in deep shock.  Around month 3, I entered the grieving process full swing.  I was angry in so many deep ways, I was hurt beyond description, and I questioned “Why mom?”

In the past 2 years, God has whispered His grace to me in amazing ways, reassured my questioning heart of His steadfast love over and over again, and led me to choose His truth when my heart doubted His sovereignty.  He continues to graciously heal my brokenness and gently lead me into His rest.  I am praying today for you, my friend, to know His love, His grace, His truth, and His rest.  We can trust our sovereign Lord!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

24 − 14 =

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>